God, Why Her? – Part II « The Daffodil's Lament

God, Why Her? – Part II

May 6, 2009 by Enigma

(Click here to read Part I)

After the hidden camera discovery, our “fun” beach getaway was a complete bust. It was entirely my fault. I was feeling irritable and crabby, but mostly resentful. I know it was not Lori’s fault that my husband planted a hidden camera in the shower, but all I kept thinking was: why her? As any person that learns of a partner’s acting out, I wanted to know what she had that I didn’t have. She was pretty, but so was I! I was intelligent, attractive, caring, and educated. I had my shit together! What did she have that I didn’t have? But then I saw the answer with my very own eyes. I never compared my looks to my sisters because we have completely different body types. She is slender with slight curves. I, on the other hand, am voluptuous (not code for fat – but busty with enough “junk in the trunk”). She had the perfect bikini bod (just the right amount of curves), and I, always conscious about my body, was wearing a one piece with a conservative cover-up. Not surprisingly, she garnered a lot of attention on the beach. This made me even more bitter. Normally, I would not be bothered by the attention because I prided myself in having a handsome man who loved me and who “only had eyes for me” waiting at home. Obviously, this was no longer the case. My perfect man had eyes for her too! This made me mad, bitter, sad, resentful, but mostly envious.

I had a scowl on my face the entire vacation. However, my attitude did not deter the men from surrounding Lori like a swarm of bees. They just ignored the “mega bitch” to her right. I was very deep in resentment and bitterness. In order to pass the time, I drank and drank and drank some more. While my sister was off hanging out with some new friends, I was traumatizing a Canadian neighbor at the bar with the events that happened just mere hours before. I was hurting so much unable to talk to anyone (not even her), knowing and watching the object of my new husband’s desires right before my eyes. The last night of the trip was terrible. We were having a quite drink at the bar, when one of the many “bees” decided to approach my sister and invite us (I’m sure I was the pity invite) to continue hanging out at the bar with their group. We had an early flight and, of course, I was crabby. I let it be known that I did not want to hang out with them, nor did I think she should hang out alone. We politely excused ourselves and went back to our room where we had a HUGE blowout fight. She was upset that I was ruining her trip by being miserable. I think this was the biggest fight we ever had. And finally, after a lot of screaming and yelling, I said it. I said, “Isn’t it enough that my husband prefers you to me?! Do you have to put me through the torture of watching other men grovel for your attention too?” There, I said it, and if I could take it back I would. The rest was a blur. She stormed out of the room for the rest of the night and that was the end of our fight. The next day we had a quite ride to the airport and flight back home.

Though we’ve moved on since this trip and the initial shock, I have stayed away from bars, nightclubs or any other triggering places with my sister. It still makes me feel painfully insecure to be around her in social settings. I fear for this upcoming beach vacation with the girls. Nothing has really changed, if anything, things are worse! ML and I are separated, and instead of one beautiful sister to worry about, I’ll have two!! Now that I know my husband is a sex addict, I no longer ask God: Why her? I ask God for serenity and new goggles in which to see my own “beauty”. I pray that he will rid me of these insecurities and help me see my sister as just that, my sister, and not the object of my husband’s lust and acting out. I pray that this trip will be a beautiful, bonding experience with my girls, my sisters, whom I love more than anything else in this world! I pray for all these things and hope someone out there is listening…

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Posted in Darkness, Family, Healing, Me Myself I, Sex Addiction | 4 Comments

4 Responses

on May 7, 2009 at 8:05 pm | Reply Bernadine

E,
Wow this is really powerful. I commend you on being so honest, and really digging deep to those painful feelings. I know it’s not easy. I hope that God does grant you peace and new sight in which to see the world and your sister. I bet you are gorgeous too. Just in a special, unique, all-you way! You’re right, it’s not *her*, it’s his addiction. I hope for you that you will fully feel that.
And I wish you a wonderful time on vacay with your girls!
on May 7, 2009 at 8:31 pm | Reply Steven

E: I know you have a great many people in your life who love and treasure you. As difficult as it may be, you are confronting your husband’s demons (and perhaps your own) and that takes a great deal of strength. Many others might have walked away from the marriage, or turned the heads away and pretended it did not happen. Even by separating, you choose the more difficult path. I give you more credit than you can know for your strength, intelligence and compassion. You will have a great time on vacation with your sisters.
on May 13, 2009 at 5:22 pm | Reply Margaux

Hey Enigma, swinging by to see how you’re doing. I can relate to this post in the sense that I used to spend a lot of time thinking “Why her?” about women my husband would gawk at on the street or the women in his porn. However, my anger usually stemmed from the fact that most of these women weren’t all that attractive. His reasons for staring/watching seemed more to do with the fact that they were there–he was in “scanning mode” and he’d stare at whatever went across his radar.

That said, it might very well be that the reason your husband videotaped your sister was because she was there. He was getting the voyeur itch, and it’s a lot easier to film a woman in your own shower than sneak into someone’s home or a public locker room and do the same thing. Also, here’s some food for thought: If your husband didn’t like your particular body type and it was important for him to be with someone with your sister’s body type, then why did he marry you? I really don’t think this has anything to do with the way you look, but everything to do with other women just being in the right place at the right time (or really, wrong place, wrong time).

Also, as far as the attention your sister was receiving, that sounds more to me about the vibe she was giving out than her looks. I know when I’m sulky and upset, people tend to stay away from me, but when I’m plucky and ready for a party, people approach. Not that that’s your fault–I can’t imagine how you would be in any other mood after your discovery.
on May 13, 2009 at 7:17 pm | Reply Enigma

Thanks for stopping by, Margaux! My husband has said the exact same thing (nothing personal with my sister, but that it was more of the convenience factor.) I understand this now that I know it’s addiction, but at the time, I thought it was me. I must admit, sometimes, I still feel very insecure, but I try to remind myself that those self-esteem issues were there before my husband or his addiction were ever in the picture. I try to not take his addiction personally (but as I’m sure you’re aware, that can be difficult).

I also agree on the getting attention with the vibe thing. After the video discovery, my sister has not been getting as much attention as she use to. We both think it’s because the whole experience with my husband’s voyeurism left her distrusting men in general. She’s not as free spirited or friendly as she once was and I think that people (especially men) are picking up on this vibe. It’s such a shame to see how much damage this addiction has caused in our lives.

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The Daffodil's Lament

Life after the discovery of my husband's sex addiction