I had a rough morning. Actually, I had a rough morning following a rough day yesterday. Work has been a source of negativity for me for quite some time. And yesterday was no different. I’ve been doing all the things I said I would do to clean my side of the street, but somehow it’s not enough. It barely making the work environment bearable. Everyday I feel like I lose a little more of my passion and confidence – that spark that use to make me special and the very best at everything I did.
This morning I prayed. I prayed like I haven’t prayed before…like I haven’t prayed for my marriage. My job has been the greatest challenge in powerlessness. I’ve done everything I can possibly do to make things better, and yet nothing is changing. This morning, I couldn’t even bring myself to walk out the door. So I decided to sit on my living room couch - praying and crying to God for clarity. I asked God to help me find my serenity with these things I cannot change at work and the courage/passion/drive to change the things I can. After my tearful and heartfelt conversation with God, I was able to muster enough energy and resolve to walk out that door and face another workday.
I decided I’m going to start putting my feelers out for a new job. I don’t know where to start or where I’m going. I’m lacking in confidence and enthusiasm. I’m not even sure I remember what I’m passionate about anymore. Yet all I know is that I have the power to change this job that makes me unhappy on so many levels. I also need my Higher Power to give me direction, help me find the one thing I’m really passionate about. For so long, my only passion has been ML. Now that I’m not focusing on him as much, I feel so lost with no purpose or direction. However, I trust that if I quite my mind and let God do His will, I’ll find the answers I’m looking for.
Hey E,
I think this is great progress. It’s not like you haven’t worked on this situation to the best of your ability. I think sometimes, the stronger thing is to let go.
Good luck.
XO
I was reading in “The Language of Letting Go” the other night, and there was a passage about how when we get into recovery, sometimes every single aspect of our lives begins to change. I mean, I knew that from my own experience, but apparently it’s a widespread phenomenon. It’s like once you start getting healthier, the things that no longer work become glaringly obvious. It’s so hard when you’re going through a big change in one area (like your marriage) to realize that another huge area needs a major change, too. This certainly isn’t easy, Enigma, and I get where you’re coming from. You’re in my thoughts.
Hey E-
I sympathize with the “loss of purpose” but I think that is a time to make us stronger. If you didn’t feel “lost” then the impact of how much you were caught up in ML wouldn’t have the effect its having and you would be much more likely to slip back into it.
Sometimes No Pain No Gain really is the truth.
You may not re-discover the things you were passionate about but you will discover new things to be passionate about.
I’m glad you were able to make it to work despite your desperation. It really gives me hope that I am not the only one crying on the couch in the morning not knowing if I have the resolve to leave and face the world.
Hang in there
Hi E!
I’ve started a new blog and I’m shutting down Jeanette’s Journey. Long story. I’d like to follow you over on the new blog.
I’ve given you an award!! Stop by my blog to pick it up ^_^