This morning I left the house in a bit of a huff. All those old feelings of resentment have been emerging lately. I also know that when I start to feel resentful of others is because I’m not doing a good job of taking care of myself. Today’s resentment was targeted at ML. ML’s schedule allows him to arrive to work at 10:00AM. And since moving, his commute is only 20 minutes. On the other hand, I have to be at work at 8:30AM and my commute has been extended about an hour each way. He leaves for work everyday, yet nothing gets accomplished. He just uses the extra time to sleep. And when I arrive home at 6:00PM, guess who starts dinner in perfect time for his arrival at 6:30PM? Me, of course! And that’s when the resentment hits. This morning when ML mentioned he was going to head out for a jog, I completely lost it. I hate that he finds time in his schedule to take care of his health, and I barely have time to breathe.
I could also go on about how I’m still working the part-time job I picked up when we separated because I’m still helping my sister with rent. Yet, she’s off using her extra income to go out clubbing in NYC every weekend and purchasing $300 handbags. That money was meant for her basics. I don’t want to wake up at 6:30AM on Sunday morning to support her lifestyle. I know what I have to do. I know I have to find ways to take care of myself, but old habits are so hard to break. At least I recognize what’s wrong with this picture.
Awww Miss E,
It sounds exhausting……
I know you really do know how to manage the unbalance for yourself. You have come along way.
Reading your post, it is such a reminder for how the kind, loving, giving person, really is a gift, the nature of a special human being. That capacity is amazing, finding balance is the challenge. You are awake and truly have learned to care for yourself.
It seems as though, it might be there to challenge you even more and raise the bar for yourself, taking it to another level.
When you choose YOU – EVERYONE wins, they just do!
I would love to throw out to you a thought inquiry?
What is the message your sister is getting from your continued (self offered / generosity) call of support?
hmmmmmmm
From a little observation, it occurs you have had to step up (before discoveries) and kinda take the “motherly” role with your sister. A natural state given your / hers – circumstances….
Then post discoveries, it occurs an added layer of “even MORE over – responsibility aspect” just by sheer association…..
Now if I may be gentle to say: “It occurs a little like: perhaps you still have a layer of guilt/punishment – action that keeps a cycle in place for you and her’s dynamic?
I know rationally it gets processed by you.
And perhaps a based sense of entitlement by her and past enabling ++ post somewhat self inflected make up to offer her = take care of rent and help support?
This is all NOBLE and would probably help all / everyone in the healing if: the message was being authentic in receiving…
If she is receiving this, and the message going back to you isn’t of honor and having the relationship be flourishing again…..
Than, I ponder, for her to be ok – with your continued struggle to assist and her not honor that gesture and privilege – then somehow she is messaging back to you – it’s acceptable and showing you consciously or unconsciously – could be like a “fault” base system back…..making it ok for her in her mind to justify her actions that are not honoring given your sacrifices….like somehow for her to justify she is deserved based on x,y,z……
IT is a hard one, I could only imagine and I feel very very related to your story and struggle…….
And know and trust you will guide yourself out of the way – honoring YOU, really honors all….
It just gets messy sometimes…..
Sending you big hugs,
C
I haven’t seen you post and I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and hoping that life has become more of what you wanted.