I’m a female in my mid 20′s learning about life and love after the discovery of my husband’s voyeurism, porn, and masturbation addiction.
How did you find out about your husband’s addiction?
In January 2009, I discovered a series of voyeuristic videos my husband had shot with our Canon digital camera and had stored on his iPod Nano.
Did this come as a shock or did he give you clues prior to this incident?
Looking back, there were many red flags. However, I think I was still too naive and very much in denial about the extent of his issues to label them as addiction at that time. It wasn’t until I discovered the videos, that I was able to finally acknowledge he had a serious problem.
What happened after you discovered your husband’s videos?
I kicked him out the house that very second. I was yelling, screaming and crying. It was probably the hardest moment of my life. I couldn’t believe the man I loved and had married only 6 months earlier ( and had dated for 8 years) could betray me in such away. I spent several days crying – I couldn’t eat or sleep. I called out of work. I spent hours upon hours searching the internet for information on sex addiction/ voyeurism. I came back mostly empty-handed, until one day I discovered Margaux’s blog. I read her blog from start to finish. And in the process, I discovered the Junkie’s Wives Club. The discovery of this network was my proverbial “olive branch” in the middle of my tumultuous storm. It was definitely my saving grace.
Where are you right now in your relationship with your spouse?
At the moment, my husband is working an active recovery program, and so am I. We are reconciled and living back together after an 8 month separation period. Luckily, I was able to do a lot of growing and reflecting during this period of separation. I feel more at peace with the future of our relationship – not because I think this relationship will last forever, but because I know I’ll ultimately be ok if it doesn’t. As I’ve learned the hard way, there are no guarantees in life. So this time around, I’m taking it all – my relationships, my recovery, my trials and triumphs – one day (and step) at a time.
Any advice for someone who is dealing with a similar situation?
Get help for yourself! When our addicts are running wild in their addiction, it’s so easy to focus all our energy on getting help for their addiction, that we completely forget to take care of ourselves in the process. Find a therapist in your area that specializes in sex addiction. Also, look for a 12 step program in your area. There are many to choose from - find the one that is right for you. I know a recovery program may not be your cup of tea, and trust me it wasn’t my cup of tea in the beginning either. But, it helped in many ways that therapy could not . There’s something powerful and comforting about being in a room of people who know exactly what you’re going through. If you want more information on programs for partners and loved ones of sex addicts, check out my Resources page.
Any particular reason why you named your blog “The Daffodil’s Lament”?
I chose the name after a Cranberries’ song titled “Daffodil Lament”. Also, the daffodil is a universal symbol of hope. At the time I started this blog, I questioned if all the hope I had for my marriage and relationship was in vain, especially after discovering the extent of my husband’s sex addiction. Hence, the name “The Daffodil’s Lament” (i.e. My Hope’s Lament).
How do I get in contact with you?
Due to the nature of this addiction, I firmly protect my online anonymity. However, you can always contact me via:
