Archive for May, 2009

To put it mildly, I had a pretty rough day yesterday.  The two prominent codependent relationships in my life (my husband and sister Lori) were “alive and kicking”.  And in the blink of an eye, I fell down an emotional slippery slope.  I spent all Saturday afternoon sobbing, like I haven’t done in a while.  It’s scary how quickly I call fall back to that dark place. The truth is I’m very exhausted.  These two relationships have me stretched thin.  It started with my call to ML in the morning to discuss our plans to go to his nephew’s birthday party that afternoon. At first, he didn’t pick up my phone calls, but instead sent me a text message that he was no longer going.  I didn’t not hear from him again for the rest of the day. Then Lori and I got into small argument.  She wanted me to drive her to work, but was not willing to leave her house a little earlier to accommodate my schedule.  At that point I was annoyed and did not bother picking her up, she ended up walking to work. Later on that evening, we had a huge argument over the phone, which ended on a bitter note.  

After the argument (which involved many tears), I had a hard time falling asleep. When I finally did fall asleep, I was awaken by ML’s call at 3AM ( I had to work at 6:30AM).  He was finally calling to check in with me. He ditched our plans to hang out with his friends. He couldn’t bother to pick up the phone to call me or (Hell!) even return my message.  He said he was finally out of his “funk” and he would see me tomorrow (as if that were some favor). His lack of consideration is sickening.  I  spent the rest of the night crying some more and did not get any sleep for the rest of the evening.

I’ve come to conclusion that I can’t do this anymore.  I’m taking a serious “break from the bullshit” this week. I’m physically tired from all the running around and extra responsibilities.  I am also emotionally exhausted from all the games these two are playing, especially my husband. I am so disappointed that he did a complete 180.  It was just last week that we celebrated our anniversary and he finally acted like the man I love and married.  I don’t even know what to call the person he morphed into this weekend (perhaps Mr. Asshole).  It’s like I’m living in a funhouse – with skinny,tall, fat, short mirrors – and I am unable to get an accurate reflection of myself in this place.  I have become a revolving door of emotions.  One day, I’m happy. The next day I’m sad, then angry, etc….  It’s complete insanity!  And all I really want at the moment is stability. I’m just too tired to continue like this!  A break from the bullshit is exactly what I need.  A moment to get in touch with myself and, possibly, regain my sanity.  

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Must Be Nice…

…to have someone who’s sole purpose is to make you happy.  Who takes into heart all your feelings, desires, and whims and makes it their own.  A person to take responsibility for your happiness and who jumps through hurdles to ensure that you arrive at that place.  A problem solver… Your rescue squad… A person always on call to deliver you from any immediate crisis – whether that be some sort of financial trouble, boyfriend dilemma or even a ride to the grocery store. A 411 service.  Your personal concierge… A willing ear? Check.  A helping hand? Check… A therapist.  Someone who will not only try to prevent you from crying, but who will also cry your tears for you…Who will stop at nothing until they get to the bottom of all your problems – and fix them too!  A private 1-800 Crisis Hotline. A personal bodyguard.  Someone who will fight all your battles and confront your demons. Who will confront your enemies, even when you are the instigator. A cushy mat to break your fall every time you trip along the way, so that you never hit bottom… Your trusty bullet proof vest . A lawyer to plead your case and be your biggest advocate.  Your personal cheering squad… A friend, mother, confidant, lover, therapist, playmate, doctor, chauffeur, ATM machine…  A person to be everything and anything your selfish heart desires. A genie in a bottle – “Your wish is my command.”  An all singing, dancing buffoon who will do just about anything to make you smile. Your very own codependent.

*I apologize if I’ve offended anyone. I’m just tired of it all and I feel like I’m being manipulated. Some of my husband’s antics never cease to amaze me.

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It’s no mystery that I’ve been pretty ecstatic about the way things are going with ML.  As far as I know, he’s sober and working his program enthusiastically with a sponsor.  In addition, he’s been in tune with my feelings and has been more compassionate and empathetic then I ever recall him being.  We celebrated our one year anniversary, and even ended our celibacy period to wonderful results.  So why do I feel so worried?  I always joke with a very dear recovery friend that I’m “cautiously optimistic” – leaning more towards the “optimistic” side.  However last night, the pendulum shifted.  Something changed and I’m not sure how or why. 

ML and I had originally planned to spend the evening together.   I was running a bit late with several errands. When I finally called him, it was about an hour later than I promised.  I understand why this might hurt his feelings, but it’s not like he doesn’t do the exact same thing to me on a more consistent basis.   More importantly, I finally did call (though a bit late).  Well, he started the conversation with how he was tired and didn’t want to go come over anymore.  I, of course, thought he was being silly and cranky, so I insisted that he come over to hang out, as we had originally planned.  He finally caved in and agreed to spend the night.  First, he took an hour to arrive (he lives only 5 minutes away).  I thought…ok, so he’s “paying me back” for making him wait.  Fair enough.  Then when he finally did arrive, he was distant.  I asked him if he still wanted to hang out with me and he abruptly replied “I wouldn’t be here if I that weren’t the case.”   I decided to leave the topic alone.  The rest of the evening was quite (almost no conversation). When we finally went to bed, he started groping me in a manner that made me feel uncomfortable.  It was no longer the loving embraces and touches that he had so effortlessly displayed a few weeks ago, it was the return of the lustful groping that I have come to despise.  Not because I don’t like a little passion and aggression in our sex lives, but for a man that is powerless over lust, this is just his default programming – a warning sign that his addict mind is taking over.  Something about the way he was groping my rear and breast made me feel like an object, and not like a woman being caressed by a man that loves her.  I told him to please stop touching me in that manner because I felt uncomfortable.  He stopped, but not without turning his back on me – and I on him.  We fell asleep, disconnected.

This morning, my optimism has been replaced with caution.  Though ML is still technically sober, his demeanor is saying something completely different.  The “magical bubble” I’ve been living in for the past few weeks is slowly bursting.  Maybe, I rushed things. Maybe, he isn’t ready to be physically intimate with me.  As I continue to ponder last night’s events, I start to get the feeling that perhaps I’m overreacting.  Maybe he was just simply tired after a long work day and that’s why he was detached from me the previous night.  Yet still, something is off and the feeling is nagging at me.  Though I wish I could disregard this premonition, I’ve been in the program long enough to know to: Trust My Gut.  Though I don’t have any proof that he isn’t sober or that the paradigm is shifting, something just ain’t right.

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Our one year anniversary came and went – an uneventful day.  Not because it passed unnoticed, but because it was not the emotional, dramatic affair I had feared it to be.  Surprisingly, the weekend was wonderfully pleasant!  ML went through the effort to make the day as special as can be for us. Since I was not up for the task of planning anything special,  ML decided to take charge of the itinerary. He started the weekend with a day trip to a major city in our tri-state area. It was such fantastic day! Just the two of us on the open road, exploring a new city, and learning new things (we truly are geeks at heart).  The following day, he surprised me with a nice bottle of champagne, red roses, and a beautiful card (surprising because it is not his usual style to be “romantic”). We then went to a romantic dinner at a nice, new local restaurant in town.  We ordered some delicious entrees, a bottle of wine, and we were even surprised with a complimentary dessert platter for our anniversary.  It was a perfect evening in every way!
Besides the many trials we’ve experienced this year as a couple, we are still walking this journey together, hand-in-hand, as we promised we would one year ago.  In a strange way, I’m grateful for this experience during our first year of marriage.  I’ve learned many things about ML (both good and bad) that I would’ve never learned had we not gone through this trauma together, and my love for him has grown even more than I ever thought imaginable.  In addition, I am learning much more about myself, the meaning of marriage, and the intricacies of love during this period of separation.  All the things that I planned to “obsess” over in the first years of my marriage seem pretty silly and insignificant now. Ironically, this whole experience continues to be liberating. I no longer stress over being the “perfect” wife, daughter-in-law, sister, friend – I am content with being only myself.  In addition, I’ve been blessed with an amazing support system in the group meetings, boards, and through this blog. I have connected with so many different individuals experiencing similar situations, both near and far, on a deeper level than I ever thought possible.  And though I do not wish our circumstances on anyone, I am happy that we have made it this far, one crazy year into our marriage, and I am still where I want to be – by ML’s side.

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I’m back from my girl’s trip to Paradise and I’m glad to report that I had a fantastic time!  No real drama ( however, of course, we had a few sisterly spats). Just lots of fun, sun, drinks, and dancing. The yucky personal baggage did remain at the door, and it was obvious!  I had more flirty attention than I could handle, which was a nice change of pace.  Though I vacation frequently, this was the first time I was ever really sad to come back home.  For the first time, I was able to not think about my marriage, sex addiction or codependency issues.  I didn’t have to worry about S-Anon/ SA meetings, blogging, or therapy – anything that reminded me of the transformation my life has undergone in the last year.

During those few days in Paradise, I was young, fun, and free. It was like looking into a crystal ball and experiencing what life could be like if sex addiction had never entered my world. In my desperate attempt to hold on to my short-lived freedom from addiction, I’ve stayed away from the blogs, boards and meetings – anything possible to hold onto the feeling of euphoria. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.  I’m back home with my laptop, S-Anon meetings, codependency readings, and therapy sessions – back to my reality. Though I am sad to return this world of addiction, I am grateful to have enjoyed the beautiful mirage while it lasted. 

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After several crazy months, Mama is finally going away on vacation!!! My swimsuit is packed and I’m leaving my yucky personal baggage at the door.  I’m so looking forward to the lazy days on the beach with a drink on one hand and a trashy book on the other. In the meantime, please feel free to catch up on my story or check out the wonderful blogs by other codependents/ recovering addicts on the right side of my page. Hope everyone has a fantastic week! See you all very soon!

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Killing Me Slowly

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Malachy McCourt

I recently heard this quote for the first time at my S- Anon meeting. I must admit that’s exactly how it feels – the resentment. I’ve been carrying so much of it around for the last several weeks, months, years of my life. Resentment towards my husband and the havoc his addiction has caused my quite, uneventful life. Resentment towards my mother for being oblivious and narcissistic. Resentment towards my father for being a sexaholic and destroying my self-esteem and self-image. The list goes on and on! And all the while, I continue to sip this poison and wait– wait for the other people to finally get it and see how much pain they have caused me. But harboring all the resentment doesn’t change the past or the future. It’s completely pointless! I use to be a happy person and  yet somehow, this poison of resentment has suffocated that girl and transformed her into a lonely, bitter version of her former self. I don’t want to be that broken person any longer.  I want to continue to feel my feelings and express them if I so choose. Festering in my resentment, negativity, and self-pity will always keep me strapped, unable to move forward – like poison, killing me slowly.

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