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Archive for June, 2009

In order to distract myself from ML’s absence, I decided to visit my best friends that live in New York over the weekend.  We had a great time grilling, drinking and laughing (as we always do).  We’ve been close friends for 10 years and have seen each other through pretty much everything. A few weeks ago, I decided to share with my friends (Mary & Jon) the news of my separation from ML.  For a while, I hesitated telling them the news, but I finally felt it was time to let them in on what’s been going on  in my life for the past several months.  I am so glad I did.  Not only did I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders,   I no longer felt alone.  They have been an amazing support system since then, checking up on me every so often to see if I’m ok and if there is anything they could do.  However, though I shared about our separation, I decided not to share the reasons surrounding it because I still had many fears about their possible reactions (since they are also very good friends with Lori).

You can blame it on the alcohol or the bitterness surrounding ML’s trip, but after one too many cocktails, I broke down in tears and the truth about ML’s addiction came gushing out like word vomit.  My friends were in shock. They assumed that perhaps the reasoning behind our separation was a possible extramarital tryst with me being the culprit!  They figured if anyone would do something “out of line” it would be me, especially since ML does a good job of presenting himself as “Mr.  Good Guy”. After a lot of drunken dialogue (all three of us were drunk at this point), I cried myself to sleep on their couch until the next morning.  After waking up and realizing what I had divulged the night before, I felt completely mortified and upset.  What would they think of me for trying to work things out with ML?  What would they think of ML?  The image I always presented of the perfect marriage and life was now shattered. I couldn’t take it back.

I figured it was better I make a quiet exit before causing anymore discomfort. However, to my surprise, Jon insisted on treating me out for brunch that morning.  We walked Manhattan and talked about what happened the night before. Jon (who happens to be gay) is never the person I look to for advice or comfort.  He is usually the life of the party and I love him for being just that.  But that morning, he was the very BEST friend I could ever ask for.  We talked and talked and talked about life, love and happiness.  He shared very valuable insight (especially from a male’s perspective) on our relationship, separation and upcoming reconciliation.  I was completely shocked that this was the same crazy, lovable friend I’ve come to know for a decade.  He also related with my struggles as he also dealt with his former drug addict partner ( I already knew his ex-partner was an addict, but we never discussed his own struggles surrounding that situation before this).  But most importantly, he said he will support me in whatever decision I make because he wants nothing but my happiness – whether I choose to stay or go. In that moment, all the fear I had about sharing the truth were suddenly gone.   Though, I still wish everything came to light with a sober mind, I am comfortable with having said it at all.

**When I returned home, I immediately called Lori to tell her what happened and how I was sorry for revealing the truth without her consent.  She was perfectly comfortable with my sharing the truth with them. Under normal circumstances, I would never divulge this situation without her prior consent, as this is as much her story as it is mines.**  

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I had an exhausting weekend running around with friends.  I have a couple things I want to post about, but I find myself with limited time and internet access.  I also want to apologize if I’m a little behind in touching base with you all.  I’ve just been keeping myself busy and away from the house, especially with ML gone and all.  I hope everyone has a wonderful week and a great  4th of July weekend (by the way, there goes my diet – out the window!). 

In the meantime to commemorate the AWESOME “No Doubt” concert I had the pleasure of attending this weekend, here’s one of my favorite songs from the band. 

 Gwen – you’re a woman after my own heart.  I am completely with you on this one. 

 

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ML left this morning for his two week long “Boy’s Trip” to South America. Though I’ve known about this trip for quite some time, the day has finally arrived and I did not take it so well.  I basically broke down in tears and pleaded with ML not to go (I didn’t win that battle). Everything about this trip is triggering.  The fact that it’s a “boy’s trip” and all the boys are single and notorious ladies men.  The fact that it’s a two week long trip (even our honeymoon wasn’t that long!).  And last but not least, the fact that I can guarantee that there will be plenty of scantily clad women. Everything about this trip has triggered me to a codie frenzy.  

It was also very reminiscent of my youth, when my father would take 2-3 weeks vacation to our country and be unfaithful to my mother during that time.  I grew up watching my father and uncles have wives and families in this country and another family in their home country.  I even met some of the women my father slept with on a vacation with him when I was 16 years old.  He announced with pride all the women he slept with at the end of our trip. After I slept in their houses and spent time with their children and husbands. Some where not much older than I was at the time. Just thinking about it makes me sick!  
And that’s all I see in my head now, my father.  I see ML drinking and surrounded with scantily clad women all trip long, his lusting on overdrive. I think about why he’s putting himself in this situation. I wonder why he thought he should take such a trip (especially for that long amount of time).  I’m having a harder time with this than I initially thought I would.   I didn’t even want to wish him well or hug and kiss him goodbye.  I was overcome with a lot of anger, disappointment and insecurities to even wish him a safe flight. This trip is not okay with me, but what can I do?  I can’t stop him (though I tried) from going.  What does it all mean?  Is he really that clueless? Or did he know all along and this was his ultimate plan – two weeks of debauchery in a foreign country? I’m trying to stay occupied and I hope to meet with my sponsor tonight.  (Oh yes… I forgot to mention  I have a sponsor now!) Tomorrow, I’m going to the No Doubt concert with my sister and I have a tightly packed itinerary for the next two weeks.  But regardless of this, I’m still angry that he would make such a STUPID decision that might be detrimental to his sobriety.  I’m not sure what he’s thinking. Ugh! Sorry about the rambling,  I’m just very upset. 

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  • Therapy
  • Twilight Series
  • Suburbia
  • Crappy Summer Weather
  • Married Life
  • Summer TV
  • CD’s in my Car
  • My Car
  • Exercise
  • Facebook
  • Everything in my closet
  • Corporate America
  • Dieting
  • The “Separation”
  • Big BlockBuster Movies
  • My iPod playlists
  • The “Extra Pounds” I carry around
  • Soups & Salads
  • My Sister, Lori 
  • Fake Reality TV (…but I’m still hooked)
  • Bills, Bills, Bills
  • Anything having to do with sex addiction!
**Don’t mind me….It’s just one of those days 🙂

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Miss Independent

I always felt that my independence was one of my best attributes, wearing it like a badge of honor. Since the tender age of 13, I have always had a job and felt financially independent from my parents.  I always bought my own clothes, food, and never asked them for money.  When I went off to college, I stocked up my room with all my new college dorm room furnishings on my own dime.  At 18, I financed my own European sight-seeing trip with my friends. And immediately after college, I moved into my own place in the big city.  I felt unstoppable. There was no one who could tell me I couldn’t accomplish what I set my mind to doing.  But something about that title is not sitting well with me these days.  I now feel that this “independent” title I gave myself was only a buffer from my harsh reality.  At 13, it was easier to think that I was an “independent woman” ( along the lines of Destiny’s Child), and not a neglected child. That it was my choice to pay for all my college stuff; and not that my parent’s failed to come through for me once again.  I no longer feel empowered by my independence, I feel resentful of it.  

Since dealing with my husband’s sex addiction, there’s been very little time to deal with the “first year of marriage kinks” (i.e. division of responsibilities, finances, roles, family time, etc…). One of these happens to be the topic of my independence.  Though I never really thought about it, I assumed that when I married my husband this would be the end of my Miss Independent era. Not because I expected to be a kept woman, but because I finally felt that I had a partner I could depend on.  However, I quickly came to learn that my husband still expected me to be that same woman he dated for many years. This past week is a prime example.  My car had been acting up for a few days.  On Tuesday, it wouldn’t turn on after a quick stop at the supermarket. That night, ML and I had already scheduled to spend the night together, which  gave him a chance to look at the car.  Unfortunately by the time he arrived, the auto parts store was already closed.  The next morning the issue of the car troubles was still unresolved. I asked to use his car for the day so he could look at my car and get the car part. He said that I could easily change it myself  and quickly left to work with his parents, leaving me with the bad car and instructions on how to fix it.  So I went with the bad car (business suit and all), jerking and stalling along the way, to the auto store. After I got the part, I tried my best to change it at the parking lot of the store to no avail. 
Something about that entire situation made me feel so completely alone and upset.  ML kept calling me to see what happened with the car and I kept ignoring his calls.  I was so upset that he would even think it was acceptable to leave me, his wife, with the bad car.  What if I crashed in some ditch? What if the car broke down in the middle of the highway? When I finally picked up his call, I had already worked myself into a rage. How could you let me take this car?!  Am I not important to you? What in your right mind would possess you to leave me with the bad car when I asked to use your car?  The only answer he had for me was that he thought I could “handle it”.  And he’s right.  In the past, I could handle it.  I could handle anything because I didn’t have a choice.  Now, I feel that I should be able to count on my husband for certain things, especially when my safety is in question.  I know that in the past I have accepted the “unacceptable” and never expressed my wants or needs.  So, I don’t want to judge ML for not automatically knowing my more recent, healthier expectations.  However, I do feel we need to iron out these kinks.   After a long, heated debate, ML finally agreed to exchange cars with me until he was able to look at my car and fix it.   However, he didn’t seem too pleased with this arrangement; I stood my ground. Unfortunately for him, I am no longer taking on the role of Miss Independent – I need and expect some help. 

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It Takes a Village

Words cannot begin to express how grateful I am for the S-Anon program.  Every time I enter a meeting, it promises to be a humbling experience.  Every once in awhile, a newcomer (Can you believe it?  I am no longer considered a newcomer!) enters the room filled with despair and feelings of hopelessness and it reminds me of how far I’ve already come on this journey. Then, you have the old timers who share some wonderful recovery wisdom, reminding me that there is still a long road ahead.  Every night I step foot through those doors, I leave with a beautiful parting gift.  A promise that if I keep working my program, there is no unhappiness too great to be lessened.

This week at our group conscience meeting, a fellow S-Anoner expressed her discontent with the “type” of sharing being done at our meetings.  She felt that some of the sharing was negative and that she would like to see the focus of sharing solely on recovery.  She even went as far as saying that driving to the meeting to hear people’s problems was a waste of her time.  Though I agree with her that hearing about other members’ recoveries is inspiring, I completely disagree that shares always need to have a positive spin to them.  Sometimes, dealing with this addiction stuff is pretty fucking miserable! And though she may not remember this, before recovery, she was once that “negative” person as well.   And for codependents who have a tendency to keep their true emotions and thoughts bottled up inside, the S-Anon rooms should be the very last place where they should feel the need to censor themselves. I believe there is always a lesson to be learned, even among the yuckiness of “negativity”.

I am really trying to keep the focus of my posts on myself.  Somedays I’m more successful than others, but it’s a process.  Sometimes, I wish I had more insightful experiences to share with you all.  But the truth of the matter is I am still in the thick of it. I’m not completely hopeless, but I’ve yet to find the serenity I seek.  And though I do not feel qualified to dish out nuggets of recovery wisdom, I try to pass on what I’ve learned along the way.  I hope that if a “newcomer” ever happens to stumble upon this blog (like I did Margaux’s blog right after my discovery) that they can also gain comfort in knowing that they are NOT ALONE. That there’s a community of fellow partners of sex addicts that are ready and willing to laugh, cry and carry you through your darkest hour.  This gift of unconditional love and acceptance is something I’ve experienced first hand and hope to pass along to anyone else in need .  It’s miraculous to see myself ( a.k.a “Miss Keep Everyone at Arms-Length”) open up to the possibility of genuine friendship and intimacy! This has only been possible through the loving care and support of those members in the rooms, on the boards, and especially, on this blog.  It really has taken a village for me to get to this point in my recovery.  And as Gentle Path wisely mentioned on her blog, you cannot do this alone – nor should you ever have to.

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At my suggestion, ML went away for a weekend getaway with his family.  He wasn’t planning on going, but I told him it would be nice for him to spend some quality time with his parents, sisters, and nephews.  While ML was enjoying the sun with his family, I spent a miserable night with my mother.  As much as I dislike my in-laws at the moment, there is no denying how close they are as a family unit.  Definitely, nothing like my family.  So when ML called raving about the wonderful time he was having with his family, I got very nasty with him over the phone and rained on his parade.  It was not my initial intention to turn on him about his decision to spend time with his family, but I couldn’t help it. It’s not his fault that I had a terrible argument with my mother the previous night, but I feel like it is his fault that my already dysfunctional family has another reason to be dysfunctional.  I resent that we are still able to go on vacations, spend holidays, and celebrate birthdays and graduations with his family. And yet, we are unable to do those same things with mine.  I feel that he has forever ruined those special moments for me. I hate that his family knows the ugly truth and still embraces him, while my family is still in the dark (for his own protection).  Any being the irrational, volatile person that my mother is, I wouldn’t dare confide the truth without severe consequences.

In my efforts to restore the balance, I try to “punish” him by not accompanying him to his family’s events and such. But, his family (knowing of our separation) doesn’t pressure him about my whereabouts like my family does (who think that ML dislikes them because of his absence).  It’s all just a big mess!  I wish I could be happy that he has a good relationship with his family. But honestly, I can’t muster up any happiness for him.  Why should he be able to have an honest relationship with his family?  Why did he have to crap all over what little is left of mine? I love ML and I know he’s really trying to work on himself and save our marriage, but what if I can’t let go of this resentment?  I succeeded in making him feel terrible after our conversation.  He pleaded with me on ways he could make things better for me.  Should he talk to my parents?  Should he approach Lori?  “What can I do?” he kept asking. I’m not sure he could ever make it better.  I feel like the resentment goes into hiding, but then it suddenly rears its ugly head. Will every holiday, birthday, anniversary and celebration be just another reminder of how ML failed me? Some days, I worry that I may never be able to let go of this resentment.  I pray that my Higher Power grants me true forgiveness because I can’t seem to get there on my own. 

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