Lori has a complex. She has been the scapegoat of the family for quite some time. She’s doing much better now, but when we are all together, it’s easy for her (or any of us) to fall back into old familial roles. Zoe’s graduation last night was no exception. Lori has known that I’ve been resentful of my mother, especially in regards to my wedding, for a long time. When I got engaged, my mother couldn’t be less interested in helping me plan a wedding. Though she badgered me for years to get married (because I was “living in sin”), when my engagement came around , nothing was planned, nothing was prepared. Usually the Mother-of-the-Bride is all over that kind of stuff (especially when it’s your first daughter’s wedding), but she didn’t want to be a part of it. I became increasingly frustrated with the lack of support and decided to elope instead. After we announced our elopement to both families, ML’s family insisted on throwing us a party. They didn’t mind financing the event (knowing my mother’s financial situation), but wanted my mother to be actively involved in planning the party. My mother didn’t like the idea one bit feeling she would be indebted to ML’s family. So despite not having the money to help pay for the party, she refused to let the other family finance it (even though her second wedding was at the expense of my stepfather’s family). So the ball was dropped on the wedding party idea, and my nuptials came and went without much mention.
This is a recurring theme with my mother. All my life, my mother has “dropped the ball” on her kids. Everything with the church (or herself) took precedence over our well being. Whether it meant changing school districts right before our final school year or paying hundreds of dollars to attend church-sponsored events and then saying there’s no money to help my sister with rent or college, these are just two examples of how my mother operates, but the list goes on and on. Despite all this, I made excuses for her, always pleading her case. But something about my wedding (even though its a moot point considering everything that’s come to light with ML’s addiction) and her lack of support really changed my perspective. It was the one time I expected her to be supportive of me and she completely let me down. Knowing all this, Lori found ways to bring the subject up last night.
I just don’t have much to add to this. I’m upset that Lori bullied me into bringing this topic to light. I know the way she handles her problem is through “attack mode”, but that’s not the way I operate. I was trying to deal with my resentments on my own because I knew I wouldn’t get the closure I needed from my mother. Now, she’s managed to show me an even uglier side of herself. I don’t feel better for getting it off my chest, if anything I feel worse because now I dislike her just a bit more than I did before. I didn’t want that to happen. I want some sort of relationship with my mother, even if it’s a limited one. Imagine! The wedding is just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t even want to mention all the anger I have towards her for throwing the problem of Lori on my shoulders. Though I know my husband’s addiction would have surfaced one way or another, it would not have manifested itself with Lori. Just one of the may things I don’t bother telling my mother. Because really, what’s the point?
This is a heartbreaker—
"She went on and on about how I didn't deserve a wedding. She said how she was embarrassed of me as a daughter and how she couldn't face "those people" (i.e. my in-laws) knowing I had lived out of wedlock with ML for a few years."
I just want to say that NONE of this is true. Of course you deserve a wedding. Just as you deserve a mother you notices you, cares for you, helps you and supports you. It doesn't sound like you have that at all– and I'm so sorry. That doesn't mean you have to continue to bash your head against the unsupportive wall that is your mother. Also, I just want to say that in this language she used, it sounds like SHE is the one who is embarrassed in front of you in-laws. Lots of shame, there…. I get the wanting to have some sort of relationship factor, I really do. But after a certain point, it almost seems more damaging, you know? I have a similar situation– maybe I'll post about it, because it's fairly long– and I've just started lying to my Mom about my whereabouts, etc., with my therapists support. Some people just don't deserve the kindness we would so freely give.
((((HUGS))))) to you, E.
It sounds like you had a tough day with the family of origin. Sometimes, this mess just makes sense! 😛
I hope you are being gentle with yourself. Remember–her crazy is NOT your fault.
You are precious, just as you are.
XO
You know, it is so tough not having a mother even when you do have a mother. I'm afraid it's a lifelong, as B said, heartbreaker. Nobody can make it right, especially not your mother. It is in our genes, this need for our mothers. So don't feel bad about feeling bad. It sucks.
So what if you realized now, that she is never going to be there for you? Not only not be there for you, but to bring you down further when you're hurt by her insensitive, wounding behavior? Weddings are supposed to be one-time big-deal events in a daughter's life. She let you down big time, then blamed you for her crap. I'm trying to save you from years of this painful stuff.
You are a survivor, Enigma. You've got so much going for you. Don't let her tell you otherwise. And when she does, know in your heart that she is deficient, because she has failed you, when she could have simply felt joy in your presence as others do.