ML and I had a rough weekend. For the last few weeks, everything was going wonderfully. ML was being kind, considerate and compassionate. But like the subtle change of the season, so are the changes that have been occuring in our relationship. The changes have been small: anything from walking to the next room to watch TV alone (while we’re sitting together) or not engaging in conversation on our date nights. I’ve been keeping mum about it for the most part, but while we were out to dinner on Friday (and again he was not engaging), I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I noticed he’s been quiet all night and is everything ok. He then replied: I don’t have anything to talk about. I was crushed. Here we were at a fun restaurant on a Friday night. The tables were packed with young couples and groups of friends having a good time together, and then there we were sitting quietly while eating our meals. I even stuffed my face too much as means to distract from the silence ( and perhaps eat my feelings while at it). It wasn’t that we had nothing to talk about, but that he wasn’t even trying to talk to me, even if only small talk. On the way home, I told him how hurt I was that he had disengaged during our entire night together. The whole conversation then escalated with me in tears and him saying how unhappy he feels. He feels unhappy because he feels like he’s walking on eggshells. I know changing was not going to be an easy process for him, but I never expected him to be unhappy. The night ended with promises that he will try harder next time and me too tired to even care.
Saturday pretty much came and went without much interaction. I went to visit my sister most of the day and he attended his Saturday night meeting. Sunday, I worked from 8AM to 4PM. When I came home, I suggested that we go get a bite to eat together and go pick up a few things at the supermarket. During the meal and shopping excursion, we had very limited conversation, except for the occasional “pass the ketchup” or “pick up a pack of the Chips Ahoy cookies, they’re on sale” comment. By the time we parked the car, I couldn’t help but break down in tears. I asked him what was going on with him. I feel so hurt. I feel like he’s detaching from me. I tell him that we don’t need to talk every second, but we barely exchanged words the entire weekend. Our schedules are already packed with work, meetings, therapy and phone calls, how could we have nothing to talk about when we share so little time together as it is? I’m scared that this a sign that things are going downhill again. The only thing he could muster up was an “I know”. I left the car with such a heavy heart. Where do you go when you pour out your heart and only get an “I know” as a response. I was hoping that he would take the opportunity to communicate with me, but he didn’t. I knew that this situation would escalate out of control if I didn’t do something. So, I decided to call some program folks. I didn’t mention what was happening with me & ML, but just talking to someone and getting my bearings helped bring me some serenity in that moment.
The night ended quietly. I cooked a lasagna. We watched a little Dexter. And the weekend ended in silence. I feel a little loss. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand why ML is pulling away. Maybe he’s white-knuckling it. Maybe he’s getting too comfortable. Maybe he’s on the verge of relapsing. I don’t know anymore. I try to keep the focus on me. I tried to take care of myself this weekend, but that doesn’t mean that ML’s silence didn’t hurt. Or that I wasn’t disappointed all over again and completely exhausted. Though I managed myself pretty well in this situation, I still feel very sad and just writing this is making me teary eyed. I’m going to a meeting tonight. I don’t know what else I can do.
E,
I’m so sorry. I know this well. Somehow, sometimes, our best efforts don’t mean that our partners are giving theirs.
And I totally relate because I’ve been there– looking around at tables and wondering why we weren’t talking.
Take heart. Everyone says the spouse recovers ‘faster’ than the addict. Just because it’s hard now doesn’t mean it always will be. This is a slow, painful process, and you’re still in the beginning, most likely. (in terms of your relationship)
XO. take care of yourself, k?
((E!))
It’ll be okay.
HI E,
I hear you! I’m sorry. Hope the meeting helps. At least people will be talking. It will be good to hear another voice?
Thinking of you,
TOB
Hi E,
I am sending you big hugs, I am sorry for these hard times you are experiencing….It is hard at times, not being able to reach someone you love. It is sad, it’s heartbreaking, especially since we know all the dynamics that takes place with SA. And when you can look beyond all of it – with such compassion and love – giving your love and attention – gosh – it isn’t easy. Be good to you today…
Sending warm thoughts….
C
Hey Enigma, I’m sorry you had a shitty weekend. I’ve been here, too–I can’t tell you how many times my husband would dissociate and be in his weird zoned-out bubble when we were supposed to be having fun. That spaced-out thing is a typical sex-addict thing. Remember that it all doesn’t get better all at once.
Something I’d do when I’d notice that he was all strange and spacy was just try focus on having my own good time (almost as though I was alone) and then plan my own activities for the rest of the weekend. I didn’t want to hang out with him when he was spaced out (for sex addicts, it’s much like them being high.)
Hey E,
Just checking back in, and I wanted to second what Margaux said about taking care of yourself when the s.a. is spacey.
I meant to write more about me identifying with your entry– but ran out of time on the first go round.
Five would totally do that and it wasn’t until I would literally make plans without him and would sit him down and tell him about them in advance of another weekend– that he started to get it.
Also, and this is just a thought, but it also helped when we would break up the monotony of what used to be a ‘normal’ date night. For example, we went bowling with another couple one night, which was a total blast. It’s hard to be spacey when you’re doing something so out of the ordinary.
XO some more. 😉
B
No worries, B! BTW, I liked that suggestion of breaking the monotony of the “normal” date night. I never looked at it that way before. After reading that, I noticed our date nights have been a bit redundant lately. Maybe switching it up might be a welcomed change – even for me 🙂 Thanks!
[…] I originally planned to do. ML had shut himself off in the other room. Again, this upset me. Here we go again with him isolating. I wanted to share a little TV time with him, and he’s off in la la land in the next […]