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Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

This weekend we picked “Secret Santa’s” at my mom’s house. ML picked Lori’s name and we had to switch names privately to avoid any awkward encounters. Lori wasn’t there to pick any names. So perhaps, she might end up selecting ML’s name after all is said and done. She, of course, wouldn’t be happy shopping for ML. Basically,they have avoided each other since everything came to the light and Christmas Eve will be the first time they are in the same room together for any amount of time. Lori says she’ll be fine, but I’m sure you’ll be able to cut the tension with a knife. My family still doesn’t know what happened between ML and Lori. The holidays are beginning to feel overwhelming!! We are already going out of town this week to skip the Thanksgiving drama. And now, I’m so close to skipping out on Christmas as well! I don’t want to ruin the holidays for everyone and I can already tell I’m going to be stressed out the entire time.  Though I want to enjoy the holidays with my family, maybe it’s selfish of me to hope that ML and Lori can ever be in the same room again. Just when I start think that life is starting to resemble normalcy, I’m reminded that it’s not.

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No happier words have ever been spoken!  This is what I told ML after our latest pregnancy scare ( these happen often!).  You see, my period is always erratic – sometimes arriving late, other times, not arriving at all.  When it didn’t arrive this month, at first I didn’t panic.  But after noticing my expanding waistline, I started to get slightly nervous, though it was simple to explain the extra pounds to a summer full of eating out, BBQ’s, cocktails and limited exercise. However, when ML also took notice of the extra pounds, stating casually, ” I think you are pregnant.”, I freaked out!!!! 

As I drove frantically to the nearest store the next morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about how having a baby at this moment in my life would be far from ideal.  Not because of the obvious issues in my marriage or because of the financial burden/ responsibility having a child would impose, I panicked because I was enjoying the opportunity I’ve been given to grow spiritually and learn more about myself – a spiritual education that a newborn would stunt. So after running to the local supermarket and taking the pregnancy in one of my work stalls ( I couldn’t wait till I got home), I was finally able to exhale.   “I have more time” –  more time to continue learning about myself, pursue my dreams and determine whether this relationship with my husband is the right thing for me.  
Personally, I am always frightened by the concept of waiting  – a period of no major activity or forward momentum.  I constantly get frustrated with the progression of my life, recovery ( including my husband’s recovery) and the “limbo” state of my marriage.  But after this pregnancy scare ( and the other friendly reminders from fellow bloggers: TheOtherBed and Gin), I can honestly say I am extremely grateful for the extra time I’ve been given to continue exploring myself and the many options I am blessed to have at this moment.  
(By the way, though I am thrilled to have only gained an extra few pounds and not a newborn, I think it’s time to get my butt to a gym PRONTO!  It’s no fun looking pregnant when I am not. )

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Shame on Me

As if things couldn’t get any more complicated, my parents have managed to screw me over once again. At some point, I need to start questioning whether I’m exclusively to blame for all the bad things that happen to me. Remember, how I paid for my parent’s emergency trip? Well, I did this by giving them my Visa Debit card number (since I was not with them at the time of the booking). So today, some “mystery” charge posts to my account in the amount of $600. After a lot of time and research to figure out the origin for the mysterious charge, through the vendor, I came to learn that the transaction was for a plane ticket for my stepfather’s sister-in-law. In addition, there was another $600 pending for tickets for his brother as well!! I tried calling my parents, but they have yet to return my phone calls.

Now, I will have to go through the hassle of reporting the fraudulent transaction, waiting for my account to be made whole (who knows how long that will take!) and being without a bank card for a week (I was not expecting the $600 debit so I have no money for food, gas, anything – and of course, I’m still sitting the kids!). Not to mention, the overdraft fees that will eventually be charged to my account. My question is WHY would my parents continue to screw me over like this? And more importantly, WHY would I put myself in situations where they could do just that?! It’s like I don’t learn my lesson the first, second or tenth time they do this to me. It’s not even about the money. It’s about the lack of consideration or care for my well-being. At this point, I’m not even angry (as I should be), I’m just numb. Shame on me for doubting their ability to disappoint time and time again.

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So much has happened since my last post. Earlier last week, things took an “interesting” turn with ML. I was on the verge of making a rash decision when all hell broke loose with my family. Right after the turn of events with ML, my stepfather was hospitalized. I missed work the following day to be of assistance to my parents while they stayed overnight at the hospital. Luckily, all the tests came back perfectly normal. Sanity was somewhat restored. I also met up with ML’s therapist (for the first time) and my therapist in order to discuss the next few months. I’m glad I was able to talk to both sides of the equation and get their input. I’m feeling more comfortable with the way things are shaping at the moment. In addition, I finally told to my mother about our separation, though I did not share the reasons surrounding it. She was saddened and urged me to try to work things out with him. I told her our marriage has hit a very rough patch, but that we welcome all her prayers. She promised to pray for us. And just like that, the secret was out and a big burden was lifted from shoulders. I was also amazed at the outpouring of love and support from my group, online and “real world” friends during the week. I’m so blessed to have such an incredible support team rallying around me!

But alas, when it rains, it pours. Just when things started to calm down, on Friday we received the terrible news that my stepfather’s father passed away from a sudden cardiac arrest overseas. Since my parents filed for bankruptcy, they no longer have credit cards to pay for this emergency trip overseas. Of course, I stepped in to help with their expenses, flight arrangements and childcare. So after a whirlwind few days, my parents have left the country, I am short almost $2K and I’ve been put in charge of a rambunctious preteen and a too –grown-for- her- own -good teenager for the next two weeks. Because of all the chaos, my issues with ML have taken a seat in the back burner. In a way, I’m thankful these events with my family prevented me from making yet another crazy decision in reaction to ML’s actions. Despite my rant last week, I am not ready to let my marriage go. However, I realize that I can’t want this badly enough for the both of us, ML needs to want this too. And his commitment to the relationship/marriage will show itself in time.

Needless to say, you’ll be hearing very little from me in the next few weeks. Between babysitting my siblings and figuring out my next move, I will have very little time to update my blog or touch base with my fellow bloggers. However, I will still keep you all in my thoughts and I hope you keep me, ML and my family in your thoughts as well. Thanks again for all the support and I hope you all continue to have a wonderful summer!

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ML left this morning for his two week long “Boy’s Trip” to South America. Though I’ve known about this trip for quite some time, the day has finally arrived and I did not take it so well.  I basically broke down in tears and pleaded with ML not to go (I didn’t win that battle). Everything about this trip is triggering.  The fact that it’s a “boy’s trip” and all the boys are single and notorious ladies men.  The fact that it’s a two week long trip (even our honeymoon wasn’t that long!).  And last but not least, the fact that I can guarantee that there will be plenty of scantily clad women. Everything about this trip has triggered me to a codie frenzy.  

It was also very reminiscent of my youth, when my father would take 2-3 weeks vacation to our country and be unfaithful to my mother during that time.  I grew up watching my father and uncles have wives and families in this country and another family in their home country.  I even met some of the women my father slept with on a vacation with him when I was 16 years old.  He announced with pride all the women he slept with at the end of our trip. After I slept in their houses and spent time with their children and husbands. Some where not much older than I was at the time. Just thinking about it makes me sick!  
And that’s all I see in my head now, my father.  I see ML drinking and surrounded with scantily clad women all trip long, his lusting on overdrive. I think about why he’s putting himself in this situation. I wonder why he thought he should take such a trip (especially for that long amount of time).  I’m having a harder time with this than I initially thought I would.   I didn’t even want to wish him well or hug and kiss him goodbye.  I was overcome with a lot of anger, disappointment and insecurities to even wish him a safe flight. This trip is not okay with me, but what can I do?  I can’t stop him (though I tried) from going.  What does it all mean?  Is he really that clueless? Or did he know all along and this was his ultimate plan – two weeks of debauchery in a foreign country? I’m trying to stay occupied and I hope to meet with my sponsor tonight.  (Oh yes… I forgot to mention  I have a sponsor now!) Tomorrow, I’m going to the No Doubt concert with my sister and I have a tightly packed itinerary for the next two weeks.  But regardless of this, I’m still angry that he would make such a STUPID decision that might be detrimental to his sobriety.  I’m not sure what he’s thinking. Ugh! Sorry about the rambling,  I’m just very upset. 

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At my suggestion, ML went away for a weekend getaway with his family.  He wasn’t planning on going, but I told him it would be nice for him to spend some quality time with his parents, sisters, and nephews.  While ML was enjoying the sun with his family, I spent a miserable night with my mother.  As much as I dislike my in-laws at the moment, there is no denying how close they are as a family unit.  Definitely, nothing like my family.  So when ML called raving about the wonderful time he was having with his family, I got very nasty with him over the phone and rained on his parade.  It was not my initial intention to turn on him about his decision to spend time with his family, but I couldn’t help it. It’s not his fault that I had a terrible argument with my mother the previous night, but I feel like it is his fault that my already dysfunctional family has another reason to be dysfunctional.  I resent that we are still able to go on vacations, spend holidays, and celebrate birthdays and graduations with his family. And yet, we are unable to do those same things with mine.  I feel that he has forever ruined those special moments for me. I hate that his family knows the ugly truth and still embraces him, while my family is still in the dark (for his own protection).  Any being the irrational, volatile person that my mother is, I wouldn’t dare confide the truth without severe consequences.

In my efforts to restore the balance, I try to “punish” him by not accompanying him to his family’s events and such. But, his family (knowing of our separation) doesn’t pressure him about my whereabouts like my family does (who think that ML dislikes them because of his absence).  It’s all just a big mess!  I wish I could be happy that he has a good relationship with his family. But honestly, I can’t muster up any happiness for him.  Why should he be able to have an honest relationship with his family?  Why did he have to crap all over what little is left of mine? I love ML and I know he’s really trying to work on himself and save our marriage, but what if I can’t let go of this resentment?  I succeeded in making him feel terrible after our conversation.  He pleaded with me on ways he could make things better for me.  Should he talk to my parents?  Should he approach Lori?  “What can I do?” he kept asking. I’m not sure he could ever make it better.  I feel like the resentment goes into hiding, but then it suddenly rears its ugly head. Will every holiday, birthday, anniversary and celebration be just another reminder of how ML failed me? Some days, I worry that I may never be able to let go of this resentment.  I pray that my Higher Power grants me true forgiveness because I can’t seem to get there on my own. 

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Broken Wedding Dreams

Lori has a complex. She has been the scapegoat of the family for quite some time.  She’s doing much better now, but when we are all together, it’s easy for her (or any of us) to fall back into old familial roles. Zoe’s graduation last night was no exception.  Lori has known that I’ve been resentful of my mother, especially in regards to my wedding, for a long time.  When I got engaged, my mother couldn’t be less interested in helping me plan a wedding.  Though she badgered me for years to get married (because I was “living in sin”), when my engagement came around , nothing was planned, nothing was prepared.  Usually the Mother-of-the-Bride is all over that kind of stuff (especially when it’s your first daughter’s wedding), but she didn’t want to be a part of it.  I became increasingly frustrated with the lack of support and decided to elope instead.  After we announced our elopement to both families, ML’s family insisted on throwing us a party.  They didn’t mind financing the event (knowing my mother’s financial situation), but wanted my mother to be actively involved in planning the party.  My mother didn’t like the idea one bit feeling she would be indebted to ML’s family. So despite not having the money to help pay for the party, she refused to let the other family finance it (even though her second wedding was at the expense of my stepfather’s family).  So the ball was dropped on the wedding party idea, and my nuptials came and went without much mention.  

This is a recurring theme with my mother.  All my life, my mother has “dropped the ball” on her kids.  Everything with the church (or herself) took precedence over our well being. Whether it meant changing school districts right before our final school year or paying hundreds of dollars to attend church-sponsored events and then saying there’s no money to help my sister with rent or college, these are just two examples of how my mother operates, but the list goes on and on.  Despite all this, I made excuses for her, always pleading her case.  But something about my wedding (even though its a moot point considering everything that’s come to light with ML’s addiction) and her lack of support really changed my perspective. It was the one time I expected her to be supportive of me and she completely let me down.  Knowing all this, Lori found ways to bring the subject up last night.  

The first couple of times she brought up my wedding, I tried to drop the subject.  But she kept pushing it until I was backed into a corner.  My mother finally asked what Lori was referring to and I told her how I felt hurt that she wasn’t supportive of me during that important time in my life.  The rest is just nonsense.  The reason I don’t tell my mother about my feelings or my problems is because I KNOW I’m not going to get the support I want.  Every time I try to go down that path with her, I wind up disappointed and hurt.  This time was no different.   She went on and on about how I didn’t deserve a wedding.  She said how she was embarrassed of me as a daughter and how she couldn’t face “those people” (i.e. my in-laws) knowing I had lived out of wedlock with ML for a few years. Blah, blah, blah.  No where in there was “I’m sorry”. If I had the money, I would have hosted the most beautiful wedding.”  Instead, I’m an embarrassment who didn’t deserve a wedding celebration in the first place.  And to add insult to my already bleeding wound, she said “just because you’re having marital problems, don’t try to blame this wedding crap on me.” And just like that, my heart was broken and any remaining compassion for my mother is gone.  I confided my marital problems to her (though she doesn’t know specifics or of our separation) and she throws it back in my face.     

I just don’t have much to add to this.  I’m upset that Lori bullied me into bringing this topic to light.  I know the way she handles her problem is through “attack mode”, but that’s not the way I operate.  I was trying to deal with my resentments on my own because I knew I wouldn’t get the closure I needed from my mother.  Now, she’s managed to show me an even uglier side of herself.  I don’t feel better for getting it off my chest, if anything I feel worse because now I dislike her just a bit more than I did before.  I didn’t want that to happen. I want some sort of relationship with my mother, even if it’s a limited one.  Imagine! The wedding is just the tip of the iceberg.  I don’t even want to mention all the anger I have towards her for throwing the problem of Lori on my shoulders.  Though I know my husband’s addiction would have surfaced one way or another, it would not have manifested itself with Lori.  Just one of the may things I don’t bother telling my mother.  Because really, what’s the point?

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