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Archive for the ‘Giving Thanks’ Category

choices

What started off as a relaxing Thursday night, ended in total frustration.  You see, the trackball on my Blackberry broke off several days prior and I decided to order a new phone to replace the old one. After discussing my options with the sales representative, I was quoted a decent price for a new Blackberry phone with a $100 mail in rebate and a new two year agreement.  I decided to go for it and purchase the new phone.  When I received the new phone and called to activate it, I was informed that my mail in rebate would not be eligible.  So after being quoted a certain price, I was expected to either pay the additional $100 or return the phone.  After speaking with a regular representative, a supervisor and the supervisor’s supervisor, my options were limited.  Either activate the new phone and lose $100 or return the phone and wait for a reimbursement on my credit card that takes up to two billing cycles.  This had me livid!  So, either way, I was being screwed over – either spending the additional $100 or having to wait 60 days for my money back once the company got their phone. 

I was completely frustrated to the point of tears. After explaining the situation to my husband and going on and on about “my crappy options”, I decided to take a breather for the night and watch some TV with wine as I originally planned to do.  ML had shut himself off in the other room.  Again, this upset me.  Here we go again with him isolating.  I wanted to share a little TV time with him, and he’s off in la la land in the next room.  After an hour of waiting for him, he comes out with my old blackberry with the trackball attached. Granted, the phone looked like a child’s science experiment, but it was functional.  Instead of being thankful, I was annoyed. “I don’t want that ugly phone!  What am I suppose to do with that?”  He said: “Well, you wanted options, this is an option.”  I decided I didn’t like this option and promised myself to continue in my search for the right answer.

After ML had left to work in the morning, I decided to take a closer look at the phone. The phone was actually a little over a year old.  I actually got it the day before I was leaving on my destination wedding trip.  I remembered being so excited to get my new Blackberry and playing with it the entire time at the airport as we waited for our flights.  However, like my marriage, the phone had a very rough first year.  During my beach getaway with my sister, I left the phone out in the sun too long and it acquired some screen damage. When ML came to pack up his stuff after we had separated, I flung the phone at him out of anger and frustration causing it to get all scuffed up.   Not to mention my own “klutzy” nature, dropping the cell phone on numerous occasions.  I thought a new phone – like leaving the relationship with my husband – was the magic solution to my problems. But what is a new phone if I’m still a hopeless klutz? Or a new relationship if I’m still a crazy codependent? I immediately called ML to thank him for fixing my phone and to apologize for my bratty behavior the night before. He seemed really happy that his efforts did not go unnoticed and accepted my apology. At the end of the day, I decided to choose my eyesore of a phone instead of keeping the new one, like I choose this less-than perfect marriage. The phone (like my marriage) may no longer be shiny and new, but it’s still works – and that’s all that matters!!

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Welcome!

DucklingsSnow

 YAY!! You’ve made it, my dear friend!  Welcome to the new “WordPress” site for The Daffodil’s Lament. I decided my site needed a facelift and a move to a new neighborhood in cyber world.  I hope to continue hearing from my old “Bloggy”  friends and make some new ones as well!  I know I’ve slacked off in the last few months with blogging, but the summer’s over and my life…well, it remains complicated.  But if there’s one thing I know for sure, I’m no longer walking this journey alone.  Thank you for continuing to walk this path with me.  I cherish you all more than you know!

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This morning I awoke to an unpleasant reminder from the beginning of my journey in recovery. It came in the form of an old thread I posted on the JWC titled, “Husband is a SA/Voyeur….Feeling so Helpless”. The thread was revived a few days ago by a new JWC member going through a similar situation (though not voyeurism). Today, another member decided to comment on what I wrote back in February in a very negative manner. Though I did not get offended by her comment (as she clearly has no knowledge of the road I’ve traveled since the beginning of this mess), I couldn’t help but cry like I did at the time I wrote the post several months ago. But unlike the first time, these were tears of joy. After reading my post, I was able to see how far I’ve come since that dreadful day in January and how much everything has changed in my life post-discovery.

As the title of my first post on JWC mentioned, I was feeling helpless. Before recovery, my favorite roles in life were victim (things happened to me, people did things to me) and martyr (the self-imposed obligation to tackle on the world – and all its problems – on my shoulders). Since joining an active recovery/therapy program, I am able to rejoice in the reality that I do have choices surrounding my actions and the course of my life. I’ve learned to replace the word “helpless” from my vocabulary in exchange for the word “powerless”. I am powerless over my husband’s disease (or anyone else for that matter), but I am no longer helpless or hopeless. I’ve discovered the tools to break free from the hell I was living in and came to realize that the only person holding the key to my freedom is me. I am willing and ready to take charge of my own happiness. If anyone out there is feeling hopeless, helpless and downtrodden, please know that there is a light at the end of this very bleak tunnel. Keep working an active recovery program (refer to my sidebar for some links to resources for partners of sex addicts), reach out to recovery friends and remember to be gentle with yourself. I promise you’ll soon begin to feel the difference.

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No happier words have ever been spoken!  This is what I told ML after our latest pregnancy scare ( these happen often!).  You see, my period is always erratic – sometimes arriving late, other times, not arriving at all.  When it didn’t arrive this month, at first I didn’t panic.  But after noticing my expanding waistline, I started to get slightly nervous, though it was simple to explain the extra pounds to a summer full of eating out, BBQ’s, cocktails and limited exercise. However, when ML also took notice of the extra pounds, stating casually, ” I think you are pregnant.”, I freaked out!!!! 

As I drove frantically to the nearest store the next morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about how having a baby at this moment in my life would be far from ideal.  Not because of the obvious issues in my marriage or because of the financial burden/ responsibility having a child would impose, I panicked because I was enjoying the opportunity I’ve been given to grow spiritually and learn more about myself – a spiritual education that a newborn would stunt. So after running to the local supermarket and taking the pregnancy in one of my work stalls ( I couldn’t wait till I got home), I was finally able to exhale.   “I have more time” –  more time to continue learning about myself, pursue my dreams and determine whether this relationship with my husband is the right thing for me.  
Personally, I am always frightened by the concept of waiting  – a period of no major activity or forward momentum.  I constantly get frustrated with the progression of my life, recovery ( including my husband’s recovery) and the “limbo” state of my marriage.  But after this pregnancy scare ( and the other friendly reminders from fellow bloggers: TheOtherBed and Gin), I can honestly say I am extremely grateful for the extra time I’ve been given to continue exploring myself and the many options I am blessed to have at this moment.  
(By the way, though I am thrilled to have only gained an extra few pounds and not a newborn, I think it’s time to get my butt to a gym PRONTO!  It’s no fun looking pregnant when I am not. )

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So much has happened since my last post. Earlier last week, things took an “interesting” turn with ML. I was on the verge of making a rash decision when all hell broke loose with my family. Right after the turn of events with ML, my stepfather was hospitalized. I missed work the following day to be of assistance to my parents while they stayed overnight at the hospital. Luckily, all the tests came back perfectly normal. Sanity was somewhat restored. I also met up with ML’s therapist (for the first time) and my therapist in order to discuss the next few months. I’m glad I was able to talk to both sides of the equation and get their input. I’m feeling more comfortable with the way things are shaping at the moment. In addition, I finally told to my mother about our separation, though I did not share the reasons surrounding it. She was saddened and urged me to try to work things out with him. I told her our marriage has hit a very rough patch, but that we welcome all her prayers. She promised to pray for us. And just like that, the secret was out and a big burden was lifted from shoulders. I was also amazed at the outpouring of love and support from my group, online and “real world” friends during the week. I’m so blessed to have such an incredible support team rallying around me!

But alas, when it rains, it pours. Just when things started to calm down, on Friday we received the terrible news that my stepfather’s father passed away from a sudden cardiac arrest overseas. Since my parents filed for bankruptcy, they no longer have credit cards to pay for this emergency trip overseas. Of course, I stepped in to help with their expenses, flight arrangements and childcare. So after a whirlwind few days, my parents have left the country, I am short almost $2K and I’ve been put in charge of a rambunctious preteen and a too –grown-for- her- own -good teenager for the next two weeks. Because of all the chaos, my issues with ML have taken a seat in the back burner. In a way, I’m thankful these events with my family prevented me from making yet another crazy decision in reaction to ML’s actions. Despite my rant last week, I am not ready to let my marriage go. However, I realize that I can’t want this badly enough for the both of us, ML needs to want this too. And his commitment to the relationship/marriage will show itself in time.

Needless to say, you’ll be hearing very little from me in the next few weeks. Between babysitting my siblings and figuring out my next move, I will have very little time to update my blog or touch base with my fellow bloggers. However, I will still keep you all in my thoughts and I hope you keep me, ML and my family in your thoughts as well. Thanks again for all the support and I hope you all continue to have a wonderful summer!

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Our one year anniversary came and went – an uneventful day.  Not because it passed unnoticed, but because it was not the emotional, dramatic affair I had feared it to be.  Surprisingly, the weekend was wonderfully pleasant!  ML went through the effort to make the day as special as can be for us. Since I was not up for the task of planning anything special,  ML decided to take charge of the itinerary. He started the weekend with a day trip to a major city in our tri-state area. It was such fantastic day! Just the two of us on the open road, exploring a new city, and learning new things (we truly are geeks at heart).  The following day, he surprised me with a nice bottle of champagne, red roses, and a beautiful card (surprising because it is not his usual style to be “romantic”). We then went to a romantic dinner at a nice, new local restaurant in town.  We ordered some delicious entrees, a bottle of wine, and we were even surprised with a complimentary dessert platter for our anniversary.  It was a perfect evening in every way!
Besides the many trials we’ve experienced this year as a couple, we are still walking this journey together, hand-in-hand, as we promised we would one year ago.  In a strange way, I’m grateful for this experience during our first year of marriage.  I’ve learned many things about ML (both good and bad) that I would’ve never learned had we not gone through this trauma together, and my love for him has grown even more than I ever thought imaginable.  In addition, I am learning much more about myself, the meaning of marriage, and the intricacies of love during this period of separation.  All the things that I planned to “obsess” over in the first years of my marriage seem pretty silly and insignificant now. Ironically, this whole experience continues to be liberating. I no longer stress over being the “perfect” wife, daughter-in-law, sister, friend – I am content with being only myself.  In addition, I’ve been blessed with an amazing support system in the group meetings, boards, and through this blog. I have connected with so many different individuals experiencing similar situations, both near and far, on a deeper level than I ever thought possible.  And though I do not wish our circumstances on anyone, I am happy that we have made it this far, one crazy year into our marriage, and I am still where I want to be – by ML’s side.

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I’m back from my girl’s trip to Paradise and I’m glad to report that I had a fantastic time!  No real drama ( however, of course, we had a few sisterly spats). Just lots of fun, sun, drinks, and dancing. The yucky personal baggage did remain at the door, and it was obvious!  I had more flirty attention than I could handle, which was a nice change of pace.  Though I vacation frequently, this was the first time I was ever really sad to come back home.  For the first time, I was able to not think about my marriage, sex addiction or codependency issues.  I didn’t have to worry about S-Anon/ SA meetings, blogging, or therapy – anything that reminded me of the transformation my life has undergone in the last year.

During those few days in Paradise, I was young, fun, and free. It was like looking into a crystal ball and experiencing what life could be like if sex addiction had never entered my world. In my desperate attempt to hold on to my short-lived freedom from addiction, I’ve stayed away from the blogs, boards and meetings – anything possible to hold onto the feeling of euphoria. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.  I’m back home with my laptop, S-Anon meetings, codependency readings, and therapy sessions – back to my reality. Though I am sad to return this world of addiction, I am grateful to have enjoyed the beautiful mirage while it lasted. 

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