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Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

I had an exhausting weekend running around with friends.  I have a couple things I want to post about, but I find myself with limited time and internet access.  I also want to apologize if I’m a little behind in touching base with you all.  I’ve just been keeping myself busy and away from the house, especially with ML gone and all.  I hope everyone has a wonderful week and a great  4th of July weekend (by the way, there goes my diet – out the window!). 

In the meantime to commemorate the AWESOME “No Doubt” concert I had the pleasure of attending this weekend, here’s one of my favorite songs from the band. 

 Gwen – you’re a woman after my own heart.  I am completely with you on this one. 

 
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Fear

This song by Sarah McLachlan speaks my truth this week.  I have no idea what the future holds for me and ML.  We’ve had a very tumultuous few days after what seemed to be a beautiful couple of weeks. Nothing like a splash of  icy cold reality to snap me out of my bubble. I am rapidly descending from my high, down to earth.  Not that returning back to earth is a bad thing.  I returned to my meetings, therapy, and blogging – the things that give me serenity and help me get through the day. I knew from the beginning that this road wouldn’t be easy. However, I still have so many questions that need answers.  And yet more importantly, I still have so many fears.

Fear

By: Sarah McLachlan

Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent unknowing
Winter’s end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there’s nothing I’d like
better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give

Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
nothing yields to shelter it
From above
they say temptation will destroy our love
The never ending hunger

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
There’s nothing I’d like
better than to fall
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose…

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I am experiencing what I believe to be a case of Stockholm Syndrome. Though ML’s addiction is the source of most of my pain and suffering these days, I can’t help but to rely on him for emotional support.  Ironically, when I was on an emotional downward spiral caused by his relapse, he was the only person there to lift my spirits.  How could the source of my pain also be my source of comfort?  The band Muse describes the feelings of being enmeshed in a codependent relationship in their appropriately titled song “Stockholm Syndrome”.  Even though there is constant pain and suffering, the enmeshment is so deep that both parties cannot find the will to leave the relationship.  The lyrics ring true with how I feel today – completely enraged by my circumstances, but unwilling to escape from the tangled web I’m in. 

Stockholm Syndrome
By: Muse

I won’t stand in your way 
Let your hatred grow 
And she’ll scream 
And she’ll shout 
And she’ll pray 
And she had a name 
Yeah, she had a name 

And I won’t hold you back 
Let your anger rise 
And we’ll fly 
And we’ll fall 
And you’ll burn 
No one will recall 
No one will recall 

This is the last time I’ll abandon you 
And this is… the last time I’ll forget you 
I wish I could 

Look to the stars 
Let hope burn in your eyes 
And we’ll yell 
Then we’ll hate 
And we’ll die 
All to no avail 
All to no avail 

This is the last time I’ll abandon you 
And this is.. the last time I’ll forget you 
I wish I could 

This is the last time I’ll abandon you 
And this is.. the last time I’ll forget you 

I wish I could 
I wish I could

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Drive

This Incubus track seems appropriate after yesterday’s revelation. I’ve definitely been letting the fear “take the wheel and steer” in my life. Though I want to be able to take control of my life and decisions, these fears of rejection and “unlovableness” have been guiding my every step. I hope to eventually undo this tangled web, but how do you unlearn low self-esteem?  I’ve been skinny, fat, dark-haired, blond, party girl, reserved, extravagent, frugal, everything imaginable. And through it all, I’ve had terribly low self-esteem.  It has been the driving force in my life. Why can’t I toss these “poor self-image” goggles for a new pair? What am  I lacking? And how do I ultimately gain it? I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I do know that I need to let go of my fears and trust that my Higher Power will guide me in the right direction. There is still such a long road ahead…


Drive
By: Incubus


Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I’m beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

(chorus)
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
I’ll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It’s driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I’m beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

(chorus)


Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

(chorus)

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Though life has been chugging along relatively smoothly since the separation, it always feels like there is something missing.  The wonderfully talented Jill Scott lays her heart out for the world in this beautiful song.  The lyrics speak of somethings so hard to say… I need you.  Jilly from Philly always know how to say it best!

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Not the Doctor

What can I say except that this should be my codependent anthem!  Alanis Morissette is amazing and she hit the nail right on the head with this song.  The live version has slightly different lyrics than the album version, but the performance itself is incredible. Check it out below!
Not the Doctor
By: Alanis Morissette

I don’t want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don’t want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don’t want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don’t want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don’t want to be to be your babysitter
You’re a very big boy now
I don’t want to be your mother
I didn’t carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

(chorus)
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at half past six
Well I already know that you’d find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it’s too much to ask for and I’m not the doctor

I don’t want to be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon
I don’t want to be your other half I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don’t want to be your food or the light from the fridge
on your face at midnight
Hey what are you hungry for
I don’t want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don’t want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights
I don’t want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

(chorus)

I don’t want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don’t want to be responsible for your fractured heart
and its wounded beat
I don’t want to be a substitute for the smoke you’ve been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for


(chorus)

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Fast Car

ML and I both planned to travel and relocate outside the country.  We wanted to move to Europe and live an exciting life, away from the monotony of suburbia.  Along the way, I became distracted with doing things the “right” way.  I went from wanting an exciting, bohemian lifestyle to wanting a “cookie-cutter” suburban life complete with marriage, house, and children.  As I sit here and reminisce on my dreams of living abroad, I can’t help but feel that I’m selling myself short. I’m afraid to wake up someday with a huge mortgage, a 9-5 job, credit card debt and wonder what became of my life.  Today, I feel like getting as far away from this place as possible…

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