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Archive for the ‘Powerlessness’ Category

This weekend we picked “Secret Santa’s” at my mom’s house. ML picked Lori’s name and we had to switch names privately to avoid any awkward encounters. Lori wasn’t there to pick any names. So perhaps, she might end up selecting ML’s name after all is said and done. She, of course, wouldn’t be happy shopping for ML. Basically,they have avoided each other since everything came to the light and Christmas Eve will be the first time they are in the same room together for any amount of time. Lori says she’ll be fine, but I’m sure you’ll be able to cut the tension with a knife. My family still doesn’t know what happened between ML and Lori. The holidays are beginning to feel overwhelming!! We are already going out of town this week to skip the Thanksgiving drama. And now, I’m so close to skipping out on Christmas as well! I don’t want to ruin the holidays for everyone and I can already tell I’m going to be stressed out the entire time.  Though I want to enjoy the holidays with my family, maybe it’s selfish of me to hope that ML and Lori can ever be in the same room again. Just when I start think that life is starting to resemble normalcy, I’m reminded that it’s not.

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I had a rough morning.  Actually, I had a rough morning following a rough day yesterday.  Work has been a source of negativity for me for quite some time.  And yesterday was no different.  I’ve been doing all the things I said I would do to clean my side of the street, but somehow it’s not enough.  It barely making the work environment bearable.  Everyday I feel like I lose a little more of  my passion  and confidence – that spark that use to make me special and the very best at everything I did. 

This morning I prayed.  I prayed like I haven’t prayed before…like I haven’t prayed for my marriage.  My job has been the greatest challenge in powerlessness.  I’ve done everything I can possibly do to make things better, and yet nothing is changing.   This morning,  I couldn’t even bring myself to walk out the door.  So I decided to sit on my living room couch – praying and crying to God for clarity. I asked God to help me find my serenity with these things I cannot change at work and the courage/passion/drive to change the things I can.  After my tearful and heartfelt conversation with God, I was able to muster enough energy and resolve to walk out that door and face another workday.

I decided I’m going to start putting my feelers out for a new job.  I don’t know where to start or where I’m going. I’m lacking in confidence and enthusiasm.  I’m not even sure I remember what I’m passionate about anymore.  Yet all I know is that I have the power to change this job that makes me unhappy on so many levels.  I also need my Higher Power to give me direction, help me find the one thing I’m really passionate about.  For so long, my only passion has been ML. Now that I’m not focusing on him as much,  I feel so lost with no purpose or direction.  However, I trust that if I quite my mind and let God do His will, I’ll find the answers I’m looking for.

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