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Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

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I had a rough morning.  Actually, I had a rough morning following a rough day yesterday.  Work has been a source of negativity for me for quite some time.  And yesterday was no different.  I’ve been doing all the things I said I would do to clean my side of the street, but somehow it’s not enough.  It barely making the work environment bearable.  Everyday I feel like I lose a little more of  my passion  and confidence – that spark that use to make me special and the very best at everything I did. 

This morning I prayed.  I prayed like I haven’t prayed before…like I haven’t prayed for my marriage.  My job has been the greatest challenge in powerlessness.  I’ve done everything I can possibly do to make things better, and yet nothing is changing.   This morning,  I couldn’t even bring myself to walk out the door.  So I decided to sit on my living room couch – praying and crying to God for clarity. I asked God to help me find my serenity with these things I cannot change at work and the courage/passion/drive to change the things I can.  After my tearful and heartfelt conversation with God, I was able to muster enough energy and resolve to walk out that door and face another workday.

I decided I’m going to start putting my feelers out for a new job.  I don’t know where to start or where I’m going. I’m lacking in confidence and enthusiasm.  I’m not even sure I remember what I’m passionate about anymore.  Yet all I know is that I have the power to change this job that makes me unhappy on so many levels.  I also need my Higher Power to give me direction, help me find the one thing I’m really passionate about.  For so long, my only passion has been ML. Now that I’m not focusing on him as much,  I feel so lost with no purpose or direction.  However, I trust that if I quite my mind and let God do His will, I’ll find the answers I’m looking for.

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I haven’t been feeling myself lately. If anything, I’ve been feeling mildly depressed.  I think it’s just the gravity of it all.  I think some of it has to do with finally being back with my husband, but seeing him for the first time with a new awareness – that he’s a full blown addict. Let’s just say everything and anything is proving to be triggering for him, including the beautiful windows in our new apartments.  Though ML is really stepping up to the plate, it’s difficult picking up where everything left off.  It feels that we’re more like roommates than anything else. We are not having sex.  At this time, I can barely have him kiss me without cringing.  I feel sad that my first gut reaction is to flinch at my husband’s touch, but I’ve been through so much betrayal and trauma that I can’t program myself to react differently. 

I‘ve also been assessing the damage caused by our separation, trying to pick up the pieces of my life after the storm. My work situation is in shambles. There were a lot of assignments that were pushed to the backburner and have accumulated over the months.  I am slowly trying to unbury myself from this mountain of work that’s been sitting here day in, day out for the last 8 months.  I’ve also started noticing some changes in my body that have made me very upset.  I finally worked up the courage to jump on the scale last Friday and realized that I had gained 20lbs since discovery. I am now at my all time highest weight.  When I saw those numbers on the scale, I wanted to just curl up in a ball and die.  It is evident that I did not do a good job of caring from myself during our separation.  The unmanageability of my life after discovery was major, and the aftermath is proving to be just as difficult.

Right now, I feel like I need to focus on me, minus some of this addiction stuff.  The meetings and phone calls are helpful, but leave me with little to no time for exercise or other activities.  Even blogging (or commenting) has kept me distracted from doing my work in the office. All I know is that something needs to change in my situation because I’m not happy. I need to find a balance in all this, a perfect mix of spiritual, physical and emotional health. Right now, I’m off balance.

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This week I had the pleasure of attending a training course held by my company for employees across the fifty states. The training was pretty incredible and I wished I could have gone to such a conference in the beginning of my career with the company.  They decided to end the series with a guest speaker (of the motivational type) about the importance of providing excellent service to our clients.  I was already feeling a bit down and bitter since my peers were expressing much love for their jobs and their respective team players, and I was unable to express the same amount of passion for my line of work.  The truth is that up until that point I was unsatisfied with my position and felt that my peers were facing the same hardships.  To my surprise, I was the odd man out in an unhappy working relationship. Since I’ve been with the company, I have been bounced around the office and placed with the most difficult teams due to my “people pleasing” nature.  Whenever there’s a difficult team that my fellow coworkers will not touch, they are automatically assigned to me.  However, when discovery happened back in January, I was in  no condition to handle such a demanding workload.  I was already being treated sub par at work, add to the fact that my personal life was falling apart, I pretty much came to work and underperformed.  I was able to shift a lot of the blame for my tardiness in completing assignments and mistakes to having difficult teams and a high work volume, and slowly but surely, my quality of work diminished and so did my motivation to excel.  I was stuck in the worst kind of rut – I really didn’t give a shit anymore!

So when this guest speaker spoke about doing ourselves and the company the favor by “getting off the bus” if we were not natural service oriented people, I felt panic.  I did not want to get off the bus. I love my service-oriented field, but disliked the difficult teams I was placed with. So after the meeting, I had a bone to pick with this speaker.  I was almost in tears as I approached him.  I asked what happens if you are not satisfied with performing at sub-par standards, but don’t have enough resources and are being stretched too thin? His suggestion to me was to give myself a timeline. Start the process of change with myself, see if there are any behaviors I can continue doing, start doing those added things that will raise my performance above the rest and stop doing those behaviors which are hurting my work performance.  Once I’ve improved my performance, approach management and my teams and express what I need from them in order to continue performing at peak levels.  I am to give myself a mental timeline as well, in order to determine if they are doing their parts as well ( approximately three months).  If at the end of this timeline ( his suggestion is January 2010), I am still feeling the same way I felt during our conversation, then it’s time to look for another position.  This realization startles me, I do not like to consider myself a failure in any aspect of my life, including my career.  And to this comment, he replied: “Listen, Enigma.  It’s not that you’re not a good employee, it’s just that your talents and services can be best suited and appreciated elsewhere. If they are not being respectful of your time and resources, then you owe it to yourself to leave.”
That one statement brought everything full circle for me.  So much of my work situation reminded me of my relationship with my husband – pre and post discovery.  Though my husband came into the relationship with his SA baggage, my reactions to his actions only help create this vicious cycle of emptiness and heartbreak.  Our separation allowed me to focus the attention on myself (What are the behaviors I can continue, start and stop doing?). During this time, I was finally able to concentrate on the root of my own codependency issues.  When the time came to reconcile, I compiled my list of conditions/concerns that would allow me to feel safe and appreciated in this relationship. At this point, it is up to ML to fulfill his side of the equation.No matter how hard one can try, a relationship cannot be successful if only one person is doing all the work. All I can do is clean my side of the street and express my concerns to the other party.  If they do not wish to hold up their end of the equation, then it does not represent a failure on my part – it’s just time to move on.  Though this is not a new concept (change coming from within) as I’ve heard this concept in S-Anon, I am astonished at how much of the 12-steps I can apply to my day-to-day life. I’ve noticed all the positive changes in my personal relationships due to practicing these program principles in my personal life, now it’s time to start applying them to professional relationships. I am going back to work tomorrow with new eyes in which to view my current work situation – there’s still hope! 

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There’s not much going on at the moment. Actually, more like a lot of “nothingness”. Or at least that’s how I feel. ML and I decided to continue with our plans to move back in together in August. The trip was clearly a rude awakening for the both of us. Though ML clearly crossed a boundary during said trip, I also found myself slipping into some very dangerous waters in his absence. There has been a vast disconnect between us, and the rift keeps getting wider with each passing day. At this point, I don’t believe prolonging the separation will do either of us any good. It is definitely not making the heart grow fonder. So, we continue with our plans for reconciling in the hopes that things will eventually clear up, and we may finally see what God has in store for us. Because we’ve decided to move forward with our plans, we are also in the search for a new apartment. Our current apartment is way too triggering to allow for a proper fresh start. I hope a geographical cure will help lessen the emotional baggage. We need as many positive things working in our favor as possible.

As far as my personal life goes, work is a big ball of BLAH! I haven’t been happy with my job for a very long time. I initially came to work at this firm as part of a team transition. My boss and I took a leap of faith into these unfamiliar waters. Now, I’m getting the sense that she will be leaving the company (on her own) to pursue other business endeavors. And though she has informed me of possible opportunities with the new company, it would not be a “team transition” like it was the last time. So there is the very big possibility that she will be leaving without me and moving on to bigger and better things. Though I understand her motives in moving (she’s not closing enough sales to sustain her family), this feels very reminiscent of the time ML left our home (our joint venture) – leaving me behind with the bulk of the load and an overwhelming sense of abandonment.

Still, I refuse to let these changes drag me down. I believe I’ve been left behind in these murky waters so that I may find my own path ashore. I realize that these new developments are probably for the best – for me and the others around me. Things have been on hold in my life for quite some time – first with my sister’s arrival and then with the sex addiction discovery. Life has been going on without me, and that was appropriate at the time; I needed to put the brakes on everything and untangle the mess in my life. However, I’m finally prepared to step in line with the rest of the world and start exploring my full potential – in my career, relationships and within myself – to see what God has in store for me next.

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