There are many things I resent about my husband’s sex addiction. I resent that we cannot watch a simple movie together without being triggered. I resent that even though my sister and I are close, there is now a huge cloud looming over our relationship. I hate the fact that I have not been able to see my adorable nephew (my sister-in-law’s son) since our separation. The list goes on and on… However, the one thing I resent the most is that my sense of sexuality has been forever tarnished.
Sex and Addiction
March 6, 2009 by Enigma
I grew up in a religious household and anything sexual was considered “bad”(to put it simply). During my college years, I experimented a lot with sex and learned to enjoy it as part of my self-exploration. This experience was both good and bad (I’ll share on this in the future). However upon meeting my husband, sex became intimate. It was no longer just fun and wild. It became my ultimate expression of love. It transformed from being something wrong and shameful to being loving and sacred. Needless to say, my husband’s sex addiction has thrown me for a loop. Even the act of self-gratification (which I use to enjoy every now and then) has become shameful. Our sex life deteriorated significantly when I initially discovered the massive amounts of porn and the hidden cameras. I relied on alcohol and marijuana to get me “in the mood” for sex. It got to the point that I needed to be intoxicated in order to be intimate with my husband. After discovering the video footage, the sexual switch in my body has been completely turned off. I feel guilty experiencing anything even remotely sensual. Those experiences are forever tainted in the light of ML’s addiction.
I have never been sexually inhibited, and I don’t want to continue to act this way. However right now I feel that if I even desire sex, I’m no better than my SA husband. Eventually, I would like to reconnect with my husband emotionally and sexually. I believe sex is an important factor in any marriage, but I just don’t know how to get back to that place post-addiction.
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