Words cannot begin to express how grateful I am for the S-Anon program. Every time I enter a meeting, it promises to be a humbling experience. Every once in awhile, a newcomer (Can you believe it? I am no longer considered a newcomer!) enters the room filled with despair and feelings of hopelessness and it reminds me of how far I’ve already come on this journey. Then, you have the old timers who share some wonderful recovery wisdom, reminding me that there is still a long road ahead. Every night I step foot through those doors, I leave with a beautiful parting gift. A promise that if I keep working my program, there is no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
This week at our group conscience meeting, a fellow S-Anoner expressed her discontent with the “type” of sharing being done at our meetings. She felt that some of the sharing was negative and that she would like to see the focus of sharing solely on recovery. She even went as far as saying that driving to the meeting to hear people’s problems was a waste of her time. Though I agree with her that hearing about other members’ recoveries is inspiring, I completely disagree that shares always need to have a positive spin to them. Sometimes, dealing with this addiction stuff is pretty fucking miserable! And though she may not remember this, before recovery, she was once that “negative” person as well. And for codependents who have a tendency to keep their true emotions and thoughts bottled up inside, the S-Anon rooms should be the very last place where they should feel the need to censor themselves. I believe there is always a lesson to be learned, even among the yuckiness of “negativity”.
I am really trying to keep the focus of my posts on myself. Somedays I’m more successful than others, but it’s a process. Sometimes, I wish I had more insightful experiences to share with you all. But the truth of the matter is I am still in the thick of it. I’m not completely hopeless, but I’ve yet to find the serenity I seek. And though I do not feel qualified to dish out nuggets of recovery wisdom, I try to pass on what I’ve learned along the way. I hope that if a “newcomer” ever happens to stumble upon this blog (like I did Margaux’s blog right after my discovery) that they can also gain comfort in knowing that they are NOT ALONE. That there’s a community of fellow partners of sex addicts that are ready and willing to laugh, cry and carry you through your darkest hour. This gift of unconditional love and acceptance is something I’ve experienced first hand and hope to pass along to anyone else in need . It’s miraculous to see myself ( a.k.a “Miss Keep Everyone at Arms-Length”) open up to the possibility of genuine friendship and intimacy! This has only been possible through the loving care and support of those members in the rooms, on the boards, and especially, on this blog. It really has taken a village for me to get to this point in my recovery. And as Gentle Path wisely mentioned on her blog, you cannot do this alone – nor should you ever have to.
Just wanted to say hi and thanks for writing! The blogs you've mentioned have been immeasurably helpful to me, too.
I think sharing the negative helps you get it out of your system and move one from it instead of dwelling on it. That's why women invented "venting" right? Sometimes you just need to piss and moan to get it out, so that you have room to take in the positive and progress forward.
You are doing a wonderful job!!! **HUG**
-B
RYC: Your point is one that I have struggled with a lot too–I think just because you voice your needs doesn't necessarily mean that you have to get your way all the time, because there's always the art of compromise. After all, saying "I need this" and setting a boundary can be two very different things. With my husband, for example, in my work to communicate better, I told him that I was feeling frustrated by the fact that I do everything around the house and needed some more support from him. His response was that he was happy to help if I would let him do things more on his own timeline, and I thought that was a good compromise. If he had said, "well, I can't really do that," I probably would have found out why and sought out some middle ground where we were both satisfied.
This is all very different from voicing boundaries for me, which are things on which I cannot compromise–things like "I need you to be up front with me if you have a relapse." In that case I've made it clear with me that there is no compromise, and if he is unwilling to do it then I will take steps to separate.
Just my two cents–happy weekend!
Bre – Thanks for the encouragement <3. I agree that “venting” is sometimes just the right cure for the blues ;-)
B- Thanks for commenting on the matter of boundaries versus needs. At this point, my husband seems to be doing well in recovery and with his sobriety. I think most of my concerns these days are with the yucky “first year of marriage” kinks. You know, the kind of stuff you’re suppose to work out during your first year of marriage, but were placed in the backburner because the sex addiction was a more pressing matter. I do agree there’s a difference & I hope to write more about it in my next post. Thanks for stopping by; and I always appreciate everyone’s two cents :-)
I'm glad you're in my village.
As for "negativity" in meetings. It is not our job to make everybody else feel good. Geez, that is part of the disease to please, which is why we're there! We are where we are on any given day, and that is our contribution. I've learned a lot from "negative" shares.
And compromise, absolutely, but is there ever any time when one can just agree to help with the housework without any strings attached?
I hope you got your car fixed. The thing that bugs me about the situation is that when someone let's us down, in a very real way, leaves us hanging, and then we get mad, and then we get mad at ourselves for getting mad. It's a no-win situation.
Hang in there!
I'm glad I'm your village too, TOB 🙂
Yes, thank goodness that car is finally fixed! And I totally get where you're coming from on the getting mad at myself for being mad in the first place. This is something I'm working on too – embracing my feelings, even the bad ones. I think as a codie, I have a bad habit of minimizing my own feelings as insignificant or not important.